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Currently there is no email subscription option because I haven’t coded it yet. Facebook is probably the best way to follow updates on the site. New posts go up Friday evening and the Facebook post goes out Saturday morning.
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I suspect this site will not be updated in the future, so if you are following it through some means then you can probably unsubscribe/unfollow.
I share this post as an example of some of the thoughts I’ve dealt with over the course of my burnout-depression. I deal with them less frequently now that my physical health is improved and I am finally able to heal from my burnout, but I still deal with them. Mental health is something we need to do a better job in handling as a society and in the Church. So this is written towards bringing more awareness and understanding to this issue.
Will the stolen years be restored? It’s a question I find myself asking quite frequently these days. I wish I didn’t have to ask the question. I wish I could say that they had been eaten by locusts; that the last 7 years have been so difficult because I was being disobedient all this time. I wish I had the sense of guilt that I have heard so many people mention they had when they went in a direction that was different from the one they knew God was calling them in. At least then it would be easier for me to process the events of the last few years because then I could point to a cause. Or so I think anyway. But there is no sense of disobedience. There is no sense that I am following the way of Jonah.
The way of Jonah makes sense as a reason for suffering. It’s easy to compute and process that things are going so terribly wrong because you are not being obedient. It might not be easy to admit to yourself that you are not being obedient to what God called you to do. And then once you’ve admitted it actually stopping your disobedience and being obedient might be harder still. But at least you’re not left wondering why you’re suffering.
That’s the one question I wish I had an answer for: Why? Why were the last 7 years or so basically stolen from me? Why was I basically playing wack-a-mole with severely detrimental health issues in seminary? Why did I never get the chance to show to myself and others what I was capable of because my health was so bad? Why did I never get the rest I wanted when I moved back home after graduation? Why did I even have to move back home in the first place? Why did it take 6 months to get a referral to the correct doctor? Why has it taken over a year-and-a-half since graduating for my health to start to recover? Why am I not yet married and promoted to Real Christian™ so I can actually feel like I belong at a church? Why has all the time, effort, and money I spent following where I believe God called me to go so far turned out to be a waste? Why, for that matter, have all my previous educational-career endeavors also turned out to be a waste? Why do past failures weigh so heavily in my thoughts that I am afraid to even start a career direction because I think something beyond my control is going to come in and ruin my efforts once again? Why does it feel like I am not only behind in the race of life, but that I haven’t even crossed the starting line?
In truth I feel like I am following the way of Job. Like Job, I feel like I have not only done nothing wrong, but have even done things correctly. I haven’t disobeyed God or strayed from following His commands. Yet for whatever reason I am still going through a great ordeal of suffering. It’s easy to read the story of Job and be hopeful because we know how it ends. We know that God restores Job and all that He allowed The Adversary to take from him. So when we read the story of Job we read it in light of the ending and we know that everything is going to work out just fine. But when it is your own life that is following the story of Job it is much more difficult to be hopeful because you don’t know how it will end. Sure there is the ultimate eschatological hope of the new heavens and new earth and eternity with God, but for me this hope is not on my mind or prominent in my daily thoughts. What’s on my mind and prominent in my daily thoughts is the why question. Why has my life turned out this way? Why have all these years been stolen from me?
If there is a bright spot in all of this it is that I have some pretty good experience of myself being tired and depressed. In hindsight now I realize that I have underestimated how bad my health actually was at certain points over the past few years. So maybe the answer to all of these questions is: “You’re just tired Tom. Take some time and rest and you’ll feel better and these questions won’t even matter in a few months.” Maybe all these questions are just lingering remnants of my burnout-depression. But maybe not.
So will the stolen years be restored? I don’t know. Maybe. Maybe not. But I really hope they will be.
You would think self-care would be easy right? Doesn’t it seem logical that that you would do things and spend your time in such a way that makes you happy and energizes you? And that you would avoid doing things that make you miserable and drain your energy? That you would organize your life in such a way that you wouldn’t need to regularly escape it through drugs, alcohol, sex, porn, binge-watching, or some other unhealthy coping mechanism? Yet, on the one hand while self-care seems like one of the most logical and easy things to do, on the other hand I have found it to be one of the most difficult things to do as I continue to work on recovering from my chronic-stress-induced-depression. And I think I have found it difficult primarily because it means that admitting things I have found enjoyable are actually harmful to me.
What do I mean by this? Well let me give you an example.
Sleep is an area in which I need to improve. Starting in 2016 and continuing up until about a month or so ago really I did not find sleep to be very beneficial. 2016 was really when all my stress issues started. At first I had problems sleeping more than 4 hours a night. I would bolt up wide awake after about 4 hours of sleep and then I would have to read for an hour or so in order to be able to go back to sleep and get maybe 2 more hours of sleep. It wasn’t enjoyable or refreshing. I did not wake up energetic and eager to start the day. I tried all sorts of tricks and supplements and nothing really worked. I was able eventually to get up to 7 hours, but it wasn’t a restful or restorative 7 hours. In fact it really didn’t feel much different from the 4 hours I got when my stress issues started. So having tried all manner of things to get good sleep, and not finding success with any of them, I gave up on good sleep habits since they didn’t seem to make much of a difference anyway.
But, as I hinted at in the beginning of the last paragraph, I now find sleep beneficial once again. The first step in restoring the benefits of sleep was to get on the correct medication and dosage for my burnout-depression (the initial dose was too low). Now that I have the correct medication and dosage I have found sleep to once again be refreshing and restorative. And since it has become beneficial once again I have had motivation to actually take advantage of it and maximize its potential. For me this means doing something I have not done in a long time: wind down in the evenings. In seminary, as in most grad schools probably, my routine was work all day until absolutely exhausted and then go to sleep. If there is something due the next day then work until it is finished, even if it means downing a pot of coffee at midnight and dealing with caffeine jitters. Now though I no longer have such a pressing workload and I am able to relax in the evenings and not worry about deadlines.
I have found that for me reading for fun is the best way to wind down in the evening. But in the process of making this discovery I have found other things that I enjoy to be harmful to recovering sleep. Primarily I have found things like televised sports and gaming, things where there are images moving quickly on screen that I am required to process the movements of to be too stimulating late at night (I use blue light filters on my computer monitors and phone, so my guess is that it is the rapidly moving images that are causing issues for me, not the blue light). Now, I enjoy all of these activities. I enjoy reading a good and/or interesting book. I enjoy watching a good football game. I enjoy watching hockey. I enjoy watching certain shows and movies on Netflix. I enjoying raiding with my guild in World of Warcraft. None of these activities are inherently bad either. But I’ve discovered that most of them are so stimulating and give me such an adrenaline rush in the evening that they end up harming my sleep, one critical area of my life that I have been trying to get on track for several years now.
This brings me to the reason why I have found self-care so difficult: I have to remove from my life things I enjoy that are harming me for things that I enjoy that will benefit me. Admitting that something that you enjoy is actually harming you is not an easy task in itself. Breaking your habit of engaging in whatever that activity happens to be is an even more difficult task. I suspect that depression makes this task yet even more difficult because depression is so devoid of joy and hope and happiness that you want to hang onto anything that gives you even momentary relief from it. Or at least that is what it feels like to me. I think many of the habits I currently have are the result of trying to deal with my burnout induced depression and get some sort of relief from it, not because I know they are beneficial to my overall well being.
In any case though, self-care for me feels a lot like eating vegetables. I do not like most vegetables. Not because they taste bad, but because they have no taste at all. Most of them for me taste like water, and the ones that do have a taste to me I usually find to be unpalatable (like green beans). However I force myself to eat things like broccoli, cauliflower, brussels sprouts, carrots, spinach, and lettuce because I know they are good and beneficial for me. Over time I have learned to prepare and eat these things in ways that taste good and flavorful for me so that I not only get the nutritional benefits from them, but enjoy eating them as well.
In my experience so far breaking old habits and attempting to establish new, more beneficial ones has been a lot like eating vegetables. It feels distasteful, and even unpalatable at times, but it is good for me to get rid of old harmful habits for new beneficial ones. Eventually I might even learn to practice these new beneficial habits in ways that bring me even more enjoyment than my previous harmful habits. Perhaps one day I will look forward to eating vegetables, instead of just eating them out of sheer discipline.
Up until a couple of weeks ago I couldn’t have told you the last time I had dream while sleeping. I could have told you that it was sometime during seminary (most likely around 2016). I also could have told you that it was in response to a prayer. I had prayed earlier that day asking God why everything was so difficult right now. That night I dreamed that I exited the single student on campus housing parking lot, and turning my head right to check for cars I see a burned out Suburban still on fire. I get out of my car and start walking towards the Suburban. But as soon as I take a couple of steps I see a couple of mean Dobermans whose territory I apparently just encroached on. I freeze upon seeing them because I am expecting them to starting running towards me to attack. My expectations were realized. As soon as they started running the dream ended. When I woke up the next morning I heard from God: “You’re suffering because you decided to help.”
In a similar vein, it has been quite a while since I have had any dreams or ambitions in my waking life also. When I started seminary I had all sorts of ideas and goals and dreams that I wanted to pursue. Even by the end, despite all the things that had gone wrong, I still had dreams. But after graduating and moving back home and experiencing my health actually decline instead of recover my dreams died for me in my waking life also. I realized that I would not be able to pursue any of the opportunities I wanted to post-graduation because my health was in such bad shape and had actually gotten worse.
I think most people will be okay with the second paragraph. But I suspect some will have issues with the first one. The notion of God answering a prayer through a dream and then basically confirming it the next morning might seem too mystical or magical to be true. That is understandable. Unless you, like me, have had several such experiences like that I suspect that it will seem foreign to you. To be sure, such experiences aren’t common, or even normal. In fact I am fairly certain that there have been less than a dozen of these experiences in my entire life. But they do happen.
One thing I have learned to appreciate over these past few years is the link between the spiritual and the physical. I’ve come to realize that it is impossible to separate these two into neat little realms because they are linked together. I had no hope of ever appreciating anything spiritual in the depths of depression. Everything was bland, common, and meaningless. There was nothing magical or mystical about life. Even God Himself seemed distant and apathetic towards my situation; perhaps like a watchmaker who wound up my life and let it go never to check on it or intervene in it again. It has only been quite recently with the return of physical health that I have been able to once again recognize the spiritual and transcendent in everyday life.
In about a month we will celebrate what is perhaps the clearest example of the link between the physical and spiritual: the Incarnation. God will take on flesh and unite our corrupted human nature to his perfect divine nature. In my cynicism I hope and pray that for the first time in a long time I will be able to appreciate and meditate on this event once again.
Note: This article is adapted from lesson notes for a teaching I did on the Trinity a few years ago. The class was following McGrath’s Christian Theology, so some of this follows his thought, some of it is my own.
This article is longer than usual, so if you enjoyed reading even part of this this please leave a like. I am trying to determine what to focus on post-seminary now that my health is improving and your feedback is essential in making this decision. Thanks.
try to describe the Trinity we have set before ourselves a difficult task
because attempting to describe the transcendent using human language is a bit
of an impossible task. One theologian has likened it as an attempt to pour the
ocean into a cup. This task is made even more difficult by the fact that we are
limited to what God has revealed about Himself, which is to say that we do not
know everything about God; we only know what God has revealed about Himself to
us. But nonetheless God has revealed Himself to us and we must try to grasp and
understand this revelation as best we can.
A common question that is asked these days regarding the
doctrine of the Trinity is its relevance to everyday life. Even lifelong,
committed Christians ask this question! The answer to this is that it matters
because it is how God has revealed Himself in history (some of which is
recorded in Scripture) and in our own lives. It matters because it corresponds
to reality. It matters because it’s true.
We were created by someone (the Father). We were redeemed by someone (the Son). We are being sanctified by someone (the Holy Spirit). But these are not three separate actions by three separate gods, but one unified action by one Triune God. It is in the doctrine of the Trinity that we find the cohesion necessary to make sense of reality. Without this doctrine Christianity becomes an incoherent mess.
understand that this is not only what Scripture reveals to us, but also that
beneath the surface of the complexities of the history of salvation and our own human experience lies one God
and one God only. There are not multiple gods involved in the creation and redemption of humanity. There is only one God, and
there is only way to Him.
are two ways to approach describing the Trinity: economically or immanently.
When we describe the Trinity economically we are describing how God has made
Himself known in redeeming humanity in history.
An example of this can be found in Irenaeus:
“God the Father uncreated, who is uncontained, invisible, one God, creator of the universe; this is the first article of our faith … And the Word of God, the Son of God, our Lord Jesus Christ … who, in the fullness of time in order to gather all things to himself, he became a human being amongst human beings, capable of being seen and touched, to destroy death, bring life, and restore fellowship between God and humanity. And the Holy Spirit … who, in the fullness of time was poured out in a new way on our human nature in order to renew humanity throughout the world in the sight of God.” – Irenaeus, Demonstration of the Apostolic Preaching, 1.6.
other words. God the Father created the universe; God the Son became incarnate and redeemed humanity;
and God the Holy Spirit indwells, sustains, and
sanctifies Christians as they follow Christ.
approach the Trinity immanently (also called “essentially”) we are attempting
to describe God as He is in Himself, that is, outside of the limiting
conditions of time and space. A typical way to describe the Trinity in this
manner is: There is one God comprised of three persons: Father, Son, and Holy
Spirit. These three are all equal and all are God, but they are also separate
from each other.
This approach is also found in the Athanasian Creed (c. 500):
“Now this is the catholic faith, that we worship one God in Trinity and Trinity in unity, without either confusing the persons or dividing the substance. For the Father’s person is one, the Son’s another, the Holy Spirit’s another; but the Godhead of the Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit is one, their glory is equal, their majesty coeternal.”
Visually the immanent approach to describing God can be represented like this:
This doctrine is also reflected in the Nicene Creed: “We believe in one God, the Father almighty…and in one Lord, Jesus Christ, the only begotten Son of God, begotten of the Father before all ages; God of God, Light of light, true God of true God, begotten not created, of one substance with the Father…and in the Holy Spirit, the Lord and giver of life, who proceeds from the Father (and the Son) who with the Father and the Son together is worshiped and glorified…”
When we attempt to describe the Trinity we should not choose one approach or the other because God has revealed Himself in both ways and both approaches are necessary.
These formulations were developed in response to various heresies and challenges that arose during the first centuries of the Church. They made sense of the Biblical data and put it into a format that was theologically coherent. So these traditional formulations of the Trinity are not something you want to depart from because you will probably very likely open the door to theological errors. To be sure there are other theological topics where it is perfectly fine to develop your own doctrine or formulation, but the Trinity isn’t one of them.
wish to know more about the Biblical data as well so how this came to be
formulated as such continue reading.
are going to claim that Christ and Christianity are the fulfillment of the
Messiah and His Kingdom promised in the Old Testament, then we must show that
there is continuity between it and the New Testament. The goal here is not to
prove the formulation of the previous section, but simply to show that the Old
Testament reveals a single God, but also plurality within that single God.
common argument for the Trinity from the Old Testament is to appeal to
Deuteronomy 6.4, “Hear, O Israel: The Lord
our God, the Lord is one” and say
that “one” (echad) denotes composite oneness, and so
the Trinity is compatible with the Old Testament. The word (yachid) would have more forcefully
excluded the possibility of plurality within God and is not used to describe
This is not an altogether bad argument. Yachid is
only used 12 times in the Old Testament and in those uses does mean “only, only
one, solitary” and it is indeed never used to describe God. However, echad is used over 900 times in the Old
Testament and has a wide range of possible meanings, including “only” (see
Joshua 22.20; 1 Kings 4.19; Song of Songs 6.9; Zechariah 14.9). Furthermore,
the clause in Deuteronomy 6.4 has no verb in Hebrew, which leaves us with at
least 5 translation options:
“Yahweh is our God; Yahweh is one.”
“Yahweh our God, Yahweh is one.”
“Yahweh our God is one Yahweh.”
“Yahweh is our God, Yahweh alone.”
“Our one God is Yahweh, Yahweh.”
So the argument is a plausible one, but due to the wide range of possible
meanings with echad and the Hebrew syntax it is not the best.
What is unquestionably clear though from this text is that
there is only one God: Yahweh.
What is also clear in the Old Testament is that there are
multiple divine agents portrayed as coming from God, and thus being dependent
on Him, but also as having an independent existence.
Sometimes in the Old Testament “wisdom” simply refers to the
learned skill of human beings living in accordance with God’s commandments.
Sometimes it refers to a primary attribute of God. But sometimes it is
portrayed as a person with an existence apart from, yet dependent upon God.
This independent, yet dependent existence is most evident in Proverbs 8.1-31,
especially in verses 22-23:
“The Lord possessed me at the beginning of his work, the first of his acts of old. Ages ago I was set up, at the first, before the beginning of the earth.” (See also Psalm 104.24; Proverbs 3.19; Jeremiah 10.12)
In the New Testament this personification is applied to
Christ by Paul in 1 Corinthians 1.24:
“but to those who are called, both Jews and Greeks, Christ the power of God and the wisdom of God.” (See also 1 Corinthians 1.30; Colossians 2.3)
Most church fathers also interpret the Wisdom in Proverbs 8
to refer to Christ, (see Justin
Martyr, Dialogue with Trypho, 61.129; Tertullian, Against Praxeas,
6; Origen, On First Principles, 1.2.1– 5, 8, 12), but some interpret it
to refer to the Holy Spirit (e.g. Irenaeus, Against Heresies, 4.20.1,
of the Lord
The word of
the Lord refers to God’s speech going out into the creation to accomplish His
will. Sometimes this is to bring guidance, judgment, and salvation as in Isaiah
“For as the rain and the snow come down from heaven and do not return there but water the earth, making it bring forth and sprout, giving seed to the sower and bread to the eater, so shall my word be that goes out from my mouth; it shall not return to me empty, but it shall accomplish that which I purpose, and shall succeed in the thing for which I sent it.” (See also Psalm 119.89; 147.15-20).
Or to create the universe as in Genesis 1 and Psalm 33.6, 9:
“By the word of the Lord the heavens were made, and by the breath of his mouth all their host…
For he spoke, and it came to be; he commanded, and it stood firm.”
The Spirit of the Lord
The spirit of the Lord refers to God’s presence and power
within the creation as seen in Psalm 139.7-10:
“Where shall I go from your Spirit? Or where shall I flee from your presence? If I ascend to heaven, you are there! If I make my bed in Sheol, you are there! If I take the wings of the morning and dwell in the uttermost parts of the sea, even there your hand shall lead me, and your right hand shall hold me.”
It gives life, order, and beauty to creation (Genesis 1.2;
Job 33.4; Psalm 104.30); will be present in the expected Messiah (Isaiah
42.1-3); and is portrayed as being the agent of a new creation (Ezekiel
36.26-27; 37.1-14). Thus it shows a strong correspondence with the New
Testament and a Christian theology of the Holy Spirit.
Conclusion from the Old Testament
In the Old Testament then we see that there is only one God
(Deuteronomy 6.4) and that there are multiple divine entities coming from that
There are 2 primary Trinitarian texts in the New Testament:
“Go therefore and make disciples of all nations, baptizing
them in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit…” –
“The grace of the Lord Jesus Christ and the love of God
and the fellowship of the Holy Spirit be with you all.” – 2 Corinthians
However, there are at least 115 more passages in which deity
is attributed to at least one of the members of the Trinity. Some of these are
Deity of the Father
The deity of the Father isn’t in dispute, but nevertheless it
is affirmed in the New Testament in numerous places, some of which include:
John 20.17; Romans 1.7; 1 Corinthians 1.3, 8.6, 15.24; 2 Corinthians 1.2-3,
11.31; Galatians 1.1, 3, 4; Ephesians 1.2-3, 17; Philippians 1.2, 2.11;
Colossians 1.2-3, 3.17; James 1.27; 1 Peter 1.2-3; 2 Peter 1.17; 2 John 3; Jude
Deity of Jesus
There are numerous passages that attribute deity to Jesus,
but among the most important are what are called the “high Christological passages.” They include John 1.1-18;
Romans 1.2-5; Philippians 2.6-11; Colossians 1.15-23; Hebrews 1; 1 John 1.1-3.
Deity of the Holy Spirit
The deity of the Holy Spirit is not as obvious as that of the
Father and the Son, and so some explanation of the various passages will be
Sometimes the Holy Spirit is used interchangeably with God as in Acts 5.3-4 where in v.3 Peter rebukes Ananias and said he has lied to the Holy Spirit, and then in v.4 says he has lied to God. Or again in Acts 28.25-27 where Paul says the Holy Spirit spoke through Isaiah and then quotes Isaiah 6.9-10, but Isaiah speaks after hearing “the Lord” (adonai). Or yet again in Hebrews 10.15-17 where the author says “The Holy Spirit also bears witness to us…” and then quotes Jeremiah 31.33-34, but Jeremiah declares the words of Yahweh, thus equating the Holy Spirit with Yahweh.
The Holy Spirit possesses the attributes of God, such as: knowing the thoughts of God (1 Corinthians 2.10-11; John 16.13).
The Holy Spirit possesses the power of God. This can be seen in the virgin birth (Luke 1.35); Paul’s ministry accomplishments (Romans 15.19); convicting the world (John 16.8-11); and spiritual regeneration (John 3.5-8; Titus 3.5), a power which Jesus said belongs to God (Matthew 19.16-26).
The Holy Spirit is eternal like the Father and the Son (Hebrews 9.14).
The Holy Spirit is associated with the Father and the Son as an equal in Matthew 28.19 and 2 Corinthians 13.14 (see above).
Conclusion from the New Testament
The result of all these verses is the same as the Old
Testament: one God, but multiple divine entities coming from that one God.
It was during the Patristic period (roughly from 100A.D.-
600A.D.) that the doctrine of the Trinity we know today came about (see the
beginning of this article). As should be clear from the Biblical data above the
theologians of this period were not developing the doctrine in the sense of
inventing something new, but were developing in the sense of putting into a
clear and precise model how God revealed Himself both in Scripture and in
One of the most formative and influential theologians in
Western Christianity is Tertullian, and he is likely responsible for the
development of the distinctive Trinitarian terminology we use today. First, he
invented the term Trinity (Trinitas). Second, he used the term Person (Persona)
to translate the Greek hypostasis (usually translated “substance” or “essence”). Scholars debate what
Tertullian meant by this term. The Greek term refers to the basic nature or
structure of an entity, but the Latin (Persona) literally means “a
mask,” such as one worn by an actor in a Roman drama. It is possible by using
this term that Tertullian wanted his readers to understand the idea of “one substance three persons” to mean that the one God
played three distinct yet related roles in the great drama of human redemption. Third, he used the term Substance (Substantia) to express the fundamental
unity within God, that is, what the members of the Trinity have in common.
By the second half of the fourth century it had been
concluded that the Father and Son were of one substance,
thus condemning the Arian view as heresy and establishing a consensus within
the church (although Arianism itself didn’t go away and still remains today,
e.g. Jehovah’s Witnesses). What was not settled however is the relationship
between the Father and the Spirit. Western theology has tended to begin from
and emphasize the unity of God, but Eastern theology (found in the Eastern
Orthodox churches, e.g. Greek Orthodox, Russian Orthodox, etc) has tended to
emphasize the distinct individuality of the three persons. The Eastern approach
could logically lead to three independent beings doing quite different things,
but two later developments: perichoresis and appropriation excluded this possibility.
These two different tendencies were bound to conflict and eventually exploded in 1054 with the Western church and Eastern church anathematizing one another over the addition of “and the Son” (Filioque) to the Nicene Creed. Originally the Nicene Creed said the Holy Spirit proceeds from the Father only, but later the West added “and the Son” so that the Holy Spirit proceeded from both the Father and the Son. For the West this didn’t cause much of a problem theologically due to its emphasis on the unity of God. However, this was (and remains) a huge problem for the East because in order to safeguard the unity of God against their emphasis on the distinctness of the three persons they stress that both the Son and the Spirit proceed from the Father, thus the unity is found in the Father, who is the “Fountainhead of Divinity.” So in their view if you have the Spirit proceeding from both the Father and the Son you have denigrated the Spirit and have created two Gods (the Father and the Son) thus destroying the unity and equality between the persons of the Trinity.
Perichoresis and Appropriation
The term perichoresis is often found as “mutual interpenetration” in English. It refers to the mutual indwelling of the members of the Trinity in one another, but still maintains the individuality of each of them. Logically following from this idea is appropriation, which responds to the modalist heresy. Modalism argued that at different points in the redemption of humanity God existed in different “modes” of being. So at one point God was Father and created the world, and then at another God was Son and redeemed it. Against this appropriation insists that the works of the Trinity are a unity; whatever one does, the other two members do as well, a logical extension of their mutual indwelling. A helpful image for grasping these two concepts might be a dance, where each member maintains their individuality, but is involved in whatever another member does.
Hopefully this has been helpful in not only understanding the essential basics of the Trinity, but also in understanding how the doctrine has come to be articulated as such and why we should adhere to the traditional formulations for this doctrine.
If you enjoyed reading this please leave a like. I am trying to determine what to focus on post-seminary now that my health is improving and your feedback is essential in making this decision. Thanks.
As I remarked in a previous post American Christianity tends to avoid wrestling with the Wisdom literature in the Old Testament (Job, Psalms, Proverbs, Ecclesiastes, and Song of Songs). These books challenge us to think and contemplate the complexities of the world God created, and the truths presented in them are sometimes uncomfortable and hard to accept. However, this is not the only element of Christianity that America has forgotten; we have also forgotten that Christianity is a contest.
The Christian life is a contest; a struggle; a fight; a battle. But it is not one that you can pause or put on hold or retreat from; it continues on whether you want it to or not. And not only are we unable to withdraw from this battle, it also demands all our energy in order to win. Consider the following saying from Jesus:
He went on his way through towns and villages, teaching and journeying toward Jerusalem. And someone said to him, “Lord, will those who are saved be few?” And he said to them, “Strive to enter through the narrow door. For many, I tell you, will seek to enter and will not be able. When once the master of the house has risen and shut the door, and you begin to stand outside and to knock at the door, saying, ‘Lord, open to us,’ then he will answer you, ‘I do not know where you come from.’ (Luke 13.22-25, ESV)
There are two things that are opposed to each other in this passage: striving and seeking. Notice above that it is those who strive that enter through the narrow door, while those who seek do not. If we are going to be saved we must strive, we must struggle, we must fight our way through the door. If we do not fight or struggle we will not make it through the door and we will not be saved. Seeking will not get us through the door; in this passage it is passivity, laziness, indolence, and evidence of uncertainty regarding Jesus as the only way to salvation. Seeking here is apathy regarding salvation. It is double-mindedness. It is wanting to simultaneously be friends with God and friends with the world, something which is impossible (e.g. James 4.4: “Do you not know that friendship with the world is enmity with God? Therefore whoever wishes to be a friend of the world makes himself an enemy of God”).
Now, what I am referring to here is not salvation by works. Scripture is very clear on this matter. No, the striving I am referring to here is done by the Holy Spirit working in us; it is not done in our power.
Consider the Parable of the Sower [Matthew 13.1-23; Mark 4.1-20; Luke 8.4-15] in this regard: the seed that was sown is the word of God and the 4 soils are various types of human hearts. The path represents those who reject the Gospel, and so nothing grows in them. The seed that was sown on rocky ground and among thorns represents those who did believe the Gospel initially, but they were either afraid of persecution or loved wealth, fame, honor, etc more than God. So while something initially grew in them it amounted to nothing in the end. The seed that was sown on good soil represents those who believe the Gospel wholeheartedly and do not love anything more than God. So what grows in them produces fruit, unlike the other 3 soils. But where did the growth of the seed in this final group come from? It came from their belief in the Gospel! Not from anything they did!
So why do we need to fight and struggle then if we are not saved by works? Because God does not compel us to love Him and we must love God more than anything else to be saved. We are constantly being attacked and tempted by Satan every day, and if we love something more than God these attacks will eventually succeed and we will show that we are not good soil and thus not saved. Our fight then is within our own heart. To be constantly examining it for things that threaten to steal our love for God. To be constantly orienting it towards God through daily prayer and meditation on Scripture.
I originally wrote this post in the middle of my last semester in seminary (March 2018). At that time I considered things to be bad spiritually, but I was expecting them to get better. I only had 7 hours that semester and had quit my job, so I had much less to do than previous semesters. Graduation was not far off and I was looking forward to being done with my studies and finally getting some rest. I even had a ministry opportunity I was looking forward to pursuing post graduation. If you’ve read some of my recent posts though about the various health issues I’ve faced recently you know that things did not get better. In fact they went from bad to worse and have only recently started to improve (and I hope and pray that they stay on this trajectory).
In light of my experiences since writing this originally I’ll add the following comment in closing: appearances can be deceiving. It doesn’t matter how distant or absent God seems from a situation. It doesn’t matter how beat up or defeated you feel. It doesn’t matter if you feel God doesn’t love you or has abandoned you. It doesn’t matter if you’ve given up on praying or Scripture reading or any other sort of spiritual discipline or exercise. It doesn’t matter if songs about God’s goodness make you angry.
What matters is what you believe about God. Do you believe in the Father, maker of heaven and earth? In Jesus Christ his only son who took on flesh and was crucified and raised on the third day for our salvation? In the Holy Spirit who indwells everyone who believes and trusts in Jesus? If you believe these things you have not lost the fight, but are still very much in it. God is with us, even when it doesn’t feel like it.
If you enjoyed reading this post please like and/or share it. I am trying to decide what to focus on post seminary now that my health is returning and your feedback on my writing is an important part of this decision.
I had a dog growing up. I envied him most of the time. Why? He was always so happy. It didn’t matter what was going on he was always happy. Nothing seemed to get him down. Ever. His happiness was in stark contrast to my own unhappiness and I thought about this contrast on many occasions. Eventually I came to realize that the essential element to his happiness was his trust in me. He knew I would pet him, feed him, shelter him, love him. He never doubted or worried that these would be provided for him, he just knew that they would be there. It is this attitude of trust that enabled him to simply be who God made him to be, a dog. I noticed that a similar attitude prevailed amongst the squirrels that played in the tree outside my house as well. They too didn’t worry about their needs, they just knew that they would be provided for, and because they knew this they were able to be who God made them to be, squirrels.
To my knowledge we are the only one of God’s creatures in whom this attitude of trust for provision of our needs does not prevail. So we build businesses and careers. Why? To make money. Why? To provide for our needs. For our family’s needs. How do we go about building these? We take from others. We take fathers from their sons and mothers from their daughters. We take them and stick them in cubicles and behind desks and phones where all their talent and energy is spent earning a paycheck. And what have we gained by devoting ourselves to these paychecks? For all the wealth and advancements and ‘quality of life’ improvements we may have gained all the ills that have plagued every society in human history still continue unabated. We still kill one another, steal from one another, abuse one another, and do numerous other heinous things to one another. Not only do these problems continue, but so does the problem of death; we will all inevitably die.
The most significant result of us sacrificing ourselves to our paychecks is not prosperity, but rather that we no longer have any idea who we are or what we should be doing. We no longer realize how strange of a world we live in. A world in which water falls from the sky in order to bring our food out of the dirt. A world in which every species dies, but yet the species continues to live. A world which is constantly in motion spinning around its axis while rotating around the sun suspended in space, but yet never seems (from our perspective) to move.
Why do we not hear what the world is saying to us? Why do we simply acknowledge its workings as facts and think nothing further of them? We do not hear because we, even us who consider ourselves Christians, have bought into the lie which teaches that the world is a neutral zone in which god or religion, any god or religion, is optional.
How should we respond to this as Christians? There are perhaps several ways, but I think the essential element is to understand and remember Psalm 19. The first part of the psalm begins by praising God for his creation:
1 The heavens declare the glory of God,
and the sky above proclaims his handiwork.
2 Day to day pours out speech,
and night to night reveals knowledge.
3 There is no speech, nor are there words,
whose voice is not heard.
4 Their voice goes out through all the earth,
and their words to the end of the world.
In them he has set a tent for the sun,
5 which comes out like a bridegroom leaving his chamber,
and, like a strong man, runs its course with joy.
6 Its rising is from the end of the heavens,
and its circuit to the end of them,
and there is nothing hidden from its heat.
It is the pslamist’s reflection upon God’s creation which prompts his praise of God’s law, precepts, and commandments:
7 The law of the LORD is perfect,
reviving the soul;
the testimony of the LORD is sure,
making wise the simple;
8 the precepts of the LORD are right,
rejoicing the heart;
the commandment of the LORD is pure,
enlightening the eyes;
9 the fear of the LORD is clean,
the rules of the LORD are true,
and righteous altogether.
10 More to be desired are they than gold,
even much fine gold;
sweeter also than honey
and drippings of the honeycomb.
11 Moreover, by them is your servant warned;
in keeping them there is great reward.
Why was he prompted to praise God for His law, precepts, and commandments? Because when he reflected on the creation around him he saw glory of God and because he saw the glory of God he saw who he really was, a sinful and evil person who was unworthy to dwell with God, which prompts his conclusion:
12 Who can discern his errors?
Declare me innocent from hidden faults.
13 Keep back your servant also from presumptuous sins;
let them not have dominion over me!
Then I shall be blameless,
and innocent of great transgression.
A similar response is made by the prophet Isaiah, who also saw that he was sinful and evil after seeing the glory of God:
And I said: “Woe is me! For I am lost; for I am a man of unclean lips, and I dwell in the midst of a people of unclean lips; for my eyes have seen the King, the Lord of hosts!” – Isaiah 6.5 ESV
We see the same world that the psalmist saw, but yet we do not repeat his words, nor the words of the prophet Isaiah. Why?
Because the heavens do not declare the glory of God to us. We do not listen to their speech or hear their voice. We ignore it and resist it. In fact we go so far as to erase them from our mind by lighting up the night sky so as not to see the stars and paving all our cities with concrete, brick, and steel. Because if we listened to them their speech would be unbearable to us. We would realize that all our efforts to provide for ourselves have been one huge act of rebellion against God. And we would realize that there is no way to stop this rebellion since it is the result of the sin which is inherit in everyone.
What is it then that we should hear from the heavens and creation? What are they telling us? When Solomon dedicated the temple he had built to the LORD the glory of the LORD came and filled it [1 Kings 8.10-11]. The heavens and creation then, by declaring the glory of the LORD are telling us that the entire earth is His temple. Right now you and I are in God’s temple and he is in the midst of us. When we become aware of God’s presence we recognize how evil we truly are.
If the world truly declared the glory of God to us [Ps. 19.1] we would understand why the remainder of the Psalm praises the law of the LORD and finishes with:
Let the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart be acceptable in your sight, O Lord, my rock and my redeemer.
One of the things that Qohelet realizes in Ecclesiastes is that there are many things that he does not have control over that can and/or will destroy everything he has worked so hard to accomplish. He concludes that God has made things this way, so follow God. I think we would do well to do the same. God will provide for us and we will be who He made us to be. We are of more value than many sparrows.
If you enjoyed this post please click “Like” and/or leave a comment. Your feedback is important to me as I decide what to focus on post-seminary now that my health is recovering and I get closer and closer to normal.
Note: I am currently in the process of going through my drafts and cleaning up and publishing the good ones I have in there. This post was started in 2015 and was just finished today.
I was struck by the imagery of the appointed readings for Morning Prayer on Thursday last week. The First Lesson was from Ezekiel 37.1-14. In this passage Ezekiel is in the Valley of Dry Bones, surrounded by the result of death, and God promises the prophet that He will reverse this curse:
“Therefore prophesy, and tell them, ‘This is what the sovereign LORD says: Look, I am about to open your graves and will raise you from your graves, my people. I will bring you to the land of Israel. Then you will know that I am the LORD, when I open your graves and raise you from your graves, my people. I will place my breath in you and you will live; I will give you rest in your own land. Then you will know that I am the LORD—I have spoken and I will act, declares the LORD.’ ” – Ezekiel 37.12-14
The eventual end of every person is to die, this is inevitable and unavoidable. Primarily we conceive of death as a physical occurrence. However, there is also a spiritual dimension to death, a dimension which can perhaps simply be described as not believing and trusting in Christ’s sacrificial death and resurrection and thus not being indwelt by the Holy Spirit. Or in other words, not being a true Christian.
It is this view of death, as both physical and spiritual, that is in view in Ezekiel’s prophecy. Ezekiel was a prophet to Israel while they were in exile in Babylon. Not only had many Israelites been killed physically as a result of the Babylonian conquest, but God had used Babylon to judge Israel because she was dead spiritually as well. She had abandoned God for other false gods and refused to repent and return.
This is not merely a description of a nation that lived over 2,000 years ago however. It is a description of all humanity since the Fall. We all die physically because we are all dead spiritually. Our physical reality is indicative of our natural spiritual state.
The Second Lesson was from Philippians 3.7-21. In the preceding verses (3.1-6) Paul describes his human credentials and says that no one has better spiritual credentials from a human standpoint than he does. But he regards these as liabilities, saying:
But these assets I have come to regard as liabilities because of Christ. More than that, I now regard all things as liabilities compared to the far greater value of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord, for whom I have suffered the loss of all things… Philippians 3.7-8a
Why are these liabilities though? Because they blind us to our true spiritual state. We focus on our false selves, what we do well, our gifts, our accomplishments, our goals, our greatness. We do not focus on our true selves, our vileness, our frailty, our death. God came to us out of love for us, and we hated Him and executed Him in an attempt to hide our own evil from ourselves. Being alone with our true selves is a very scary thing.
Both of these Lessons occurred during what modern Christianese would call a “wilderness experience” or a “desert experience,” which basically refers to a period of time in which God feels absent or things are not working out well for some reason. In the case of Ezekiel the Israelites were in exile in Babylon. In the case of Paul he was writing to the Philippians from prison. In both of these cases things are not working out well and to the people directly involved it seemed as though God was absent for some reason, at least initially. But in reality God wasn’t absent from either of these situations. In reality God had brought them into the wilderness so that there was nothing around to distract them from their true selves and they were forced to confront what they found there. Ultimately they each responded differently.
The Israelites, as a nation, failed (or refused) to recognize the evil and vileness that was in their hearts. Instead their basic thought process seems to have been: “God exiled us because we failed to keep the Law and follow all its rules, so now we are going to be extra sure to keep the Law and all its rules so that God does not punish us again.” Their concern was not turning from sin, but avoiding punishment. They did not love God. They only loved themselves. They were not concerned with God wanted. They were only concerned with what they wanted and their own comfort.
Paul on the other hand recognized the evil in himself and recognized that only God could cure the sin that lived within it (e.g. Romans 7.21-25, 1Corinthians 15.9, 1Timothy 1.15). He was not concerned with avoiding punishment. He was concerned with loving God and pursuing Him more and more. In fact if you continue reading in Philippians you read:
My aim is to know him, to experience the power of his resurrection, to share in his sufferings, and to be like him in his death, and so, somehow, to attain to the resurrection from the dead. Not that I have already attained this—that is, I have not already been perfected—but I strive to lay hold of that for which Christ Jesus also laid hold of me. – Philippians 3.10-12
Paul is not concerned for his own comfort, but only for being as much like Christ as possible. He truly repents of his old ways and pursues the way of Christ. He is not concerned with his external status or situation, but only with being holy as Christ is holy.
I believe that God uses the wilderness experiences of our lives, those times when something tragic or unexpected happens and it seems like God is absent, to expose what is in our hearts and force us to confront it. When we are brought to this point we have two choices: 1) choose death and refuse to recognize the evil and sin in us, or 2) choose life and truly repent and follow Christ. The first choice is extremely tempting because when we’re in a wilderness experience I think our main concern is getting out of the wilderness and back to the way things used to be, especially if we were happy and things were going good. The problem with this choice though is that it ignores our spiritual state and condition and prioritizes our own comfort. To be sure, it isn’t that wanting to get back to “normal” is a bad thing, because it isn’t. The problem is, I think, when we allow ourselves to get so focused on getting back to normal that we don’t take any time at all to examine what is going in our hearts during this time.
In my own experience I’ve found that I usually don’t understand or know what was going on in my heart during a wilderness experience until after I have gotten through it and got back to something close to normal. Once I’m in better circumstances I’ve found that I am in a much better place to reflect and examine the experience than when I am still in the experience. There are far too many emotions in play during the experience that it really prevents me from seeing things accurately. I think it is when we are on the other side of a wilderness experience that the choice between the way of death and the way of life presents itself to us. We can choose death and not examine our hearts, or we can choose life and examine our hearts and ask God to help us repent of whatever evil was revealed to us in it. Even if in the past we’ve chosen death and refused to acknowledge whatever sin(s) God brought to light there is still time to choose to acknowledge them and follow Christ.
I do not believe a perspective like Paul’s, who values Christ more than anything, even physical comfort comes easily. Following God and being obedient to what He called you to do, ending up in prison, and still being joyful and eager to serve Him isn’t something that just happens. It is born from coming face to face with the evil in your own heart and asking God to help take it away. And it is when all the distractions are taken away, our talents, our skills, our accomplishments, our greatness, that we are able to come face to face with our own sinfulness.
It is in the wilderness that God does his best work in us. It can be a very painful work. But if we cooperate and don’t fight him we will be closer to Him than we were before. Closer to being holy as he is holy. We will not die, but live eternally.
World Mental Health Day is October 10th. Obviously this post is late for that, but is published with the intent of bringing awareness to mental health issues.
Depression is something that you really don’t fully understand unless you have been through it yourself. Even observing it in a close friend or loved one still doesn’t give you a full appreciation for the condition in my opinion. So since I have had to deal with my share of depression over the past couple of years, and since I’m starting to feel better finally, I’ve decided to share my perspective on it.
To begin I want to distinguish and define what I am referring to with the term depression. What I’m describing here is not a synonym for the sin of acedia. While both of them have many of the same physical signs: apathy, laziness, despair, dejection, sleepiness, lack of motivation and desire, etc the causes are different. Acedia is a spiritual disease which affects behavior. Essentially acedia is Hell on the installment plan; that is, a person has decided to no longer follow God [for some reason] and by doing so is gradually rejecting God and gradually progressing towards Hell. Depression, as I’m referring to it here is a physical condition which affects behavior. It refers to a chemical imbalance in the body which affects the overall life of a person.
Now don’t get me wrong here, I think there is a definite spiritual dimension to depression. There are times when I am angry at God and think He has just abandoned me and left me to an awful life. There are periods when I don’t bother doing any sort of personal spiritual devotion or practice and I feel like I am wasting my time on Sunday mornings. There has been real damage done to me spiritually while going through this, and I suspect it will take me quite a while to repair it and get things back on track.
However, I want to be sure that I distinguish between the two because I think Christians have a tendency to spiritualize everything and I want to make it clear that what I am talking about has a physical cause, not a spiritual one. I recognize that there is a spiritual dimension to it, but I am not talking about a spiritual disease. Depression as I define it is not something you can just pray your way out of or try harder and be cured from. Depression as I define it is something where you are basically helpless until you get yourself physically back to health.
Causes and Symptoms
Depression has a myriad of causes and identifying and treating the correct one can take some time. In my case it has really ended up being a hormone imbalance which has been further exacerbated over the past few years by the stress of graduate studies, not sleeping well, and not being able to get the rest I needed post-seminary. Basically it was depression caused by severe burnout. The hormone imbalance itself is quite treatable and since having resumed Clomid finally I feel much better physically (don’t get me started on how terrible my experience with the healthcare system in Sarasota was). The rest and sleeping well has been harder to come by, but since putting out the fires that suddenly popped up when I got back and actually treating my hormone issues I have finally started to sleep better and I am finally getting rest.
The main symptom I noticed during my depression was that my mental acuity was gone. Everything I did took longer and was far more difficult than normal. I could stare for 30 minutes at my computer writing a paper and not type a single thing and have no idea where the time went. My thoughts never moved from my brain to my fingers. This is a big problem when you’re doing graduate level work; you need to be at 100% mentally to do this level of work.
There were other significant symptoms as well: lack of energy, no motivation, no desire, no pleasure in previously enjoyed activities. I actually tried to avoid people as much as possible so that I wouldn’t have to talk to them and interact with them. I didn’t want to do anything because nothing was fun or enjoyable and I knew it would just be a waste of time for me.
Supporting Yourself While Depressed
Over the course of my experiences with depression I’ve discovered several things that were helpful in dealing with the symptoms. This is of course just my list based on my personal experience and not a substitute for professional medical advice. There, you have a disclaimer.
Identify the cause. I think this is the most important step because it can help understand and make sense of what is happening to you. For me I knew that I had been pushing myself way too hard and that several things did work out the way that I expected to them to. Add this all up and it is a ton of stress to deal with. I also knew that my testosterone was off because I went to a doctor and had it tested. Overall I’ve found that knowing my life was very stressful in seminary (especially the final 2-3 years) along with being able to point to a biologically identifiable marker such as imbalanced hormones really took a lot of the unknown out of it for me. As a result my depression wasn’t some mysterious thing that came out of the blue, but something with identifiable and correctable causes. I think that knowing this really brought me a lot of peace about the situation.
See a doctor and a therapist. You need help to get through depression. A doctor can provide the help you need physically and prescribe the correct medication to get you feeling better. A therapist can help you work through all the emotions and feelings you are experiencing. You really need this combination of care and not just one or the other. Depression might be physical in origin, but it affects you emotionally and spiritually also, so you need to make sure you take care of yourself in all of these areas.
Eat and supplement correctly. This is something that I think might not get enough attention when it comes to treating depression. To be sure I don’t think you can cure depression with a healthy diet and supplements alone, but I do think they can be a tremendous help. You can exercise your Google muscles and find out what a healthy diet is if you don’t know, so I won’t get into that here. What I will get into here though are the supplements that I found to helpful during my bouts with depression:
Probiotics. I found the Garden of Life brand worked the best for me, but RenewLife worked pretty well also. I started taking them because I noticed my bowel movements were, shall we say, unpleasant and runny. I also felt like I hadn’t eaten even though I was eating regularly. I took this in the morning before breakfast and then had a Greek yogurt for lunch which had more probiotics in it. I’ve been able to drop the supplement since starting Clomid, but I still eat the Greek yogurt for lunch.
Creatine. This is primarily used by athletes, but I found it was helpful during depression also. One of the problems I had was feeling physically weak, and creatine basically is supposed to make you stronger (that’s the overly simplified version anyway), so I figured I would try it to see if it would work. It did. From my understanding it is actually a pretty safe supplement and can be used for several months at least. It might not work for you, but it is worth a shot I think. Since starting Clomid though I’ve been able to stop taking this as well.
Multivitamin, B-Complex, Fish Oil. I took all these to make sure that I was getting all the nutrients I needed and to help with stress. Nothing special about these, but make sure you are getting quality versions of them. I found Nature Made vitamins work pretty well personally.
I found these supplements helped tremendously during my depression. They didn’t make me feel “normal” or anything, but they at least made me functional so that I could get out of the house and do at least a few things. It really took Clomid for me to start feeling better and closer to normal. I still take the multivitamin, b-complex, fish oil, and magnesium supplements though because I do weightlifting 4x a week find them to be beneficial while expending so much energy.
Treat yo’ self. This is last on my list, but I think it is the most important. When you are dealing with depression you need to take care of yourself first and not worry about others. So do what makes you happy. I like video games, so I played a lot of video games. Other people might like painting, or walking, or photography, or any number of other things. I found that the way to counter all the negative thoughts and feelings I was having was to have fun so I could start having happy and positive thoughts and feelings. It didn’t happen overnight, and it hasn’t eliminated all the negative thoughts, but at least now the good and pleasant thoughts are outweighing the negative thoughts.
Recognize that they can’t just ‘get over it’ or ‘snap out of it.’ The tough-love approach will not work. Depression is not simply a mental state. It is a mental state caused by a chemical imbalance. It requires medication and professional medical care. Exercise might help a little, it did for me, but it didn’t cure my depression. There is nothing a depressed person can do about their state and trying to ‘motivate’ them out of it will only be harmful.
Recognize that what you are seeing is not who that person really is. When you are depressed you think all sorts of crazy things about all sorts of people and situations that are most likely highly inaccurate. In my experience I found that I was unable to view a situation accurately from a wholistic perspective, but instead generally misinterpreted people’s body language, words, and actions to mean that they didn’t like me. I wanted to think otherwise, but I just wasn’t capable. Little things that would ordinarily go unnoticed by me, or at least not bother me, really got under my skin and irritated me.
Learn about depression and the signs of suicide. The more you understand about depression and its effects the better the position you are in to be able to empathize with someone who is dealing with it. I was never suicidal in my depression, but I certainly understand why some do arrive at that place; you are just so absolutely miserable that you do not want to live.
Try small gestures. Depression isn’t just a lack of motivation or desire for career or life ambitions, it’s a lack of desire to do anything, including basic hygiene, cooking, cleaning, etc. A small gesture such as a meal, or cleaning their rooms, or even a haircut could go a long way and tell that person that they are still loved and not forgotten about.
Be patient. It takes time to get out of depression and it takes time to heal from the effects. I have found that even though the feelings of hopelessness and worthlessness are gone the experience and thoughts surrounding them still remain floating around in my heading just waiting to be triggered by some event and come flooding back in. So just be patient with them and let them take their time.
End the Stigma
For some reason there seems to be some sort of stigma surrounding depression and discussing it, and this needs to end. Essentially depression is due to an organ malfunction, and that organ is your brain. There is no stigma surrounding heart failure, or liver failure, or kidney failure, but for some reason when your brain is malfunctioning no one wants to talk about it or knows what to do about it. So hopefully this post will contribute in some small way to ending this stigma and educating people about depression.
In my previous post I related some of the feelings and frustrations related to not having achieved any version of “success” in my life. In this post I will continue that discussion into how my faith has been affected by those failures.
I think the largest and most significant emotion that I have felt during the past 2 years has been betrayal. Some of this betrayal has come from others, but their betrayal doesn’t really bother me a whole lot anymore. What bothers me a whole lot more is feeling betrayed by God. I can handle people betraying me. It doesn’t feel good, but I can handle it. But what do you do when it seems like God has betrayed you? What do you do when you believe in an all-sovereign God who loves you and wants the best for you, but in reality your life feels like nothing more than a series of crushed hopes and dreams?
I don’t believe that anything that happened to me during seminary was beyond God’s ability to prevent or redeem. From my health issues to the actions of others to whatever. All of it was within His power to prevent. And if He wasn’t willing to prevent it I believe it was within His power to redeem and use for good. Well it has been 1 year since I graduated and 2 years since everything started crashing and burning for me and I’m still waiting for this entire mess to be redeemed. I’m still waiting for the smallest semblance of “success.” Still waiting to not feel ashamed about my lack of accomplishment in my life. To not feel ashamed about being 33 (almost 34) and living with my parents. To not be in an area that feels suffocating to me and seems to hold no future (like seriously, I do not like SWFL). To not feel like I wasted 6 good years of my life and a hefty chunk of change on an endeavor that so far has turned out to be mostly a waste of both time and money.
So why go on believing? Why not just curse God and die? Well, because everything I’ve described so far are just feelings and I do not believe that feelings determine reality. Just because you feel like God has abandoned you doesn’t mean that He has. One of the more useful experiences I had in seminary was being chronically exhausted. I was able to experience just how much different reality felt when I was I exhausted compared to when I was well rested. I learned and experience just how fickle feelings are and how quickly they can change from one moment to the next.
God is not a feeling for me. God is a reality for me. Just because I feel like God has abandoned me doesn’t mean that He has. Reality is independent of our feelings. Furthermore, Jesus Himself, literally God incarnate, also felt the same way:
And about the ninth hour Jesus cried out with a loud voice, saying, “Eli, Eli, lema sabachthani?” that is, “My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?”
Matthew 27.46 (quoting Psalm 22.1; also cited in Mark 15.34)
For me it is a comfort to read these words. To know that Jesus felt abandoned by God, and that I as a follower of Christ feel the same way tells me that I am doing something right. It tells me that what I need to do is endure and persevere. If God can redeem someone from death then He is certainly capable of redeeming my situation also. But waiting for that redemption is hard. Very hard.